My mind is always a whir. A low hum with the muffled (something deafening) inner critic. She begins with a low lulling whisper. Inserting her judgment, insecurities, self hatred, and doubt. I normal drown out that voice. I fill my life with distractions such as cannabis use, food, and constant scrolling on the internet.
As of late, I been allowing those thoughts and feelings to bubble up. I let the feeling surface allowing it to come crashing ashore. When the wave draws back I am left with broken shards. These pieces I sort through trying to piece them back together.
One of the many broken fragments I see is the child I was chasing after the red lights of the car that my mom drove – farther and father away from me. This little girl crumpled under the stillness of street lights as tears drenched her face.
Another fragment is the same little girl now a little older sitting on top of a red car looking toward the ground. Wishing with all her might not to exist anymore and wondering if she jumped would she live among the clouds?
Among these broken shards tiny glittering pieces shine bright. The day a young 20 year old held her alcoholic boyfriend not wanting the moment to pass. He was the one she thought would always be there. As she drove away, the dust cloud the tires kicked up engulfed him. She was heading west to to work with farm animals. A place of unknown. A place where she would realize she deserves better than an abusive relationship.
I sit here sifting through these shards. Some send stabbing pains to my core. Others bring back a longing want to relive those pivotal moments or to just to hold on to the ones I have lost along the way one more time.
With time I hope these moments that have become who I am will get easier to talk about as I reflect on how I got here.
As time goes on I am learning how to let go of those numbing distractions and try to embrace the uncomfortableness that is life. I hope one day to wake up and find myself in a place of peace and acceptance. Until then I will keep sifting through the brokenness until I become whole.
Ashley Curtis Frink 